1 00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:10,897 Life--it's literally all we have. 2 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:11,900 But is it any good? 3 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:13,270 I'm a reviewer, 4 00:00:13,367 --> 00:00:14,267 but I don't review 5 00:00:14,367 --> 00:00:15,927 food, books, or movies. 6 00:00:16,033 --> 00:00:18,003 I review life itself. 7 00:00:18,100 --> 00:00:19,600 [screams] 8 00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:21,530 [triumphant music] 9 00:00:21,633 --> 00:00:23,233 [parrot squawks] 10 00:00:23,333 --> 00:00:26,773 * 11 00:00:26,867 --> 00:00:28,067 Over here. 12 00:00:28,167 --> 00:00:32,427 * 13 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,703 Hello and welcome to Review. 14 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:37,200 Whatever life experience you're curious about, 15 00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:40,200 I will do it, and then I will review it. 16 00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:43,700 I'm Forrest MacNeil, back for more life, 17 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:45,530 and how exciting to be reunited 18 00:00:45,633 --> 00:00:47,933 with the world's greatest review assignment reader, 19 00:00:48,033 --> 00:00:48,933 A.J. Gibbs. 20 00:00:49,033 --> 00:00:50,203 Hello, Forrest. 21 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,400 - Welcome back. - Thank you, A.J. 22 00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:56,000 Now let's face it, our first season was not easy on me. 23 00:00:56,100 --> 00:00:59,000 - I will end you! - Oh! 24 00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:00,470 You killed my father in outer space? 25 00:01:00,567 --> 00:01:02,797 - Oh! - Jack! 26 00:01:02,900 --> 00:01:04,270 What's it like to get a divorce? 27 00:01:04,367 --> 00:01:07,497 You are gonna die alone, so get out of here. 28 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:08,900 (Forrest) When the season was over, 29 00:01:09,067 --> 00:01:11,067 I spent some time lost in the wilderness, 30 00:01:11,167 --> 00:01:12,927 despairing over what seemed to be 31 00:01:13,067 --> 00:01:14,597 the pointless destruction of my life. 32 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,400 [sobbing] Why? 33 00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:19,570 But then I read the inspiring letters, tweets, and emails 34 00:01:19,667 --> 00:01:20,567 from my viewers, 35 00:01:20,667 --> 00:01:22,397 and I saw that this show 36 00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:25,230 gives meaning to my life and yours. 37 00:01:25,333 --> 00:01:26,803 The destruction of my life 38 00:01:26,900 --> 00:01:28,670 was anything but pointless. 39 00:01:28,767 --> 00:01:30,727 Now, in order to ensure that my life 40 00:01:30,833 --> 00:01:33,303 doesn't go to hell again as I live on your behalf, 41 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:36,470 I will now be permitted to veto two reviews 42 00:01:36,567 --> 00:01:38,167 here in our Veto Booth. 43 00:01:38,267 --> 00:01:41,197 [dramatic music] 44 00:01:42,367 --> 00:01:44,567 Now, without any further ado, 45 00:01:44,667 --> 00:01:47,667 let us find out the first review of season two. 46 00:01:47,767 --> 00:01:49,067 * Do, do-do-do 47 00:01:49,167 --> 00:01:51,167 Do, do-do-do. Yes. 48 00:01:51,267 --> 00:01:55,927 Our very first review comes from Colleen in Eugene, Oregon. 49 00:01:56,067 --> 00:01:57,267 Hi, Forrest. 50 00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,067 I'm at a Zen retreat right now. 51 00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:02,170 What's it like to get into a bare-knuckle brawl? 52 00:02:02,267 --> 00:02:04,867 A bare-knuckle brawl? Wow. 53 00:02:04,967 --> 00:02:06,967 Yeah. You want to dodge this one, Forrest? 54 00:02:07,067 --> 00:02:08,667 Is it veto time already? 55 00:02:08,767 --> 00:02:11,867 [dramatic music] 56 00:02:11,967 --> 00:02:13,967 No. No, thank you, A.J. 57 00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:17,567 Life has knocked me down, and I'm ready to get back up 58 00:02:17,667 --> 00:02:18,867 and fight. 59 00:02:18,967 --> 00:02:21,167 After the difficulties of last season, 60 00:02:21,267 --> 00:02:24,627 I moved into my boyhood home with my lonely father, 61 00:02:24,733 --> 00:02:26,833 a perfect place to embark on this review, 62 00:02:26,933 --> 00:02:28,533 since the last time I lived here, 63 00:02:28,633 --> 00:02:31,203 I was of an age when conflicts were often settled 64 00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:32,400 with fisticuffs. 65 00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:34,170 Now this young man, 66 00:02:34,267 --> 00:02:36,897 me, had absolutely no interest 67 00:02:37,067 --> 00:02:38,467 in fighting at all. 68 00:02:38,567 --> 00:02:41,067 I opted to avoid such confrontations 69 00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:43,830 either by running away or changing schools. 70 00:02:43,933 --> 00:02:46,703 As a matter of fact, slugging my producer, Grant, 71 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,730 at the end of last season is the first punch I've ever thrown. 72 00:02:49,833 --> 00:02:52,333 - [grunting] (all) Oh! 73 00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:54,333 And I have a feeling my second punch 74 00:02:54,433 --> 00:02:57,203 is not too far off. 75 00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:58,870 I'll call you if I need a ride home, all right? 76 00:02:58,967 --> 00:03:02,367 I'll come and get you, and don't slam the door. 77 00:03:02,467 --> 00:03:03,367 I didn't. 78 00:03:03,467 --> 00:03:05,627 [dramatic music] 79 00:03:05,733 --> 00:03:08,073 I set out to find someone to whom I could serve 80 00:03:08,167 --> 00:03:10,897 one or both of my knuckle sandwiches, 81 00:03:11,067 --> 00:03:13,697 but everywhere I went, perfectly decent people 82 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,230 were going about their lives, 83 00:03:15,333 --> 00:03:19,603 failing to provoke a righteous pummeling. 84 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,870 [horn honks] 85 00:03:21,967 --> 00:03:23,767 [exhales deeply] 86 00:03:23,867 --> 00:03:27,897 * 87 00:03:28,067 --> 00:03:29,467 Aha. 88 00:03:29,567 --> 00:03:33,967 Well, this man just cut me in line for the ATM. 89 00:03:34,067 --> 00:03:36,467 Now I have a reason to start 90 00:03:36,567 --> 00:03:39,067 a bare-knuckle brawl. 91 00:03:39,133 --> 00:03:40,933 Ahem. 92 00:03:41,067 --> 00:03:42,527 Excuse me. 93 00:03:42,633 --> 00:03:44,573 - I was next for that ATM. - Just-- 94 00:03:44,667 --> 00:03:47,467 - [grunts] - Oh, [bleep]! Wow, wow. 95 00:03:47,567 --> 00:03:48,897 That really hurts. 96 00:03:49,067 --> 00:03:50,427 That's something I had not considered, 97 00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:52,403 how much it hurts me to punch somebody. 98 00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,370 Obviously it hurts when you're getting punched, but-- 99 00:03:54,467 --> 00:03:55,367 Ah! 100 00:03:55,467 --> 00:03:58,727 [gunshots] 101 00:03:58,833 --> 00:04:01,773 - Oh, [bleep]! [bleep]! [people screaming] 102 00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:05,367 [bleep]! [bleep]! Oh. 103 00:04:05,467 --> 00:04:06,797 - Yeah, I just shot somebody. - [bleep], [bleep]! 104 00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:07,800 - Why? - I don't know. 105 00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:09,300 I got scared, okay? 106 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,830 Just shut up for a minute. Let me think, Mom. 107 00:04:11,933 --> 00:04:13,833 [siren wails] - Yes, it happened again, okay? 108 00:04:13,933 --> 00:04:16,673 Forrest? 109 00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:20,297 You getting this? 110 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:21,530 Forrest? 111 00:04:21,633 --> 00:04:24,533 [dramatic music] 112 00:04:24,633 --> 00:04:27,273 (Forrest) Having been shot three times with a gun, 113 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:31,427 I underwent emergency surgery to save my life. 114 00:04:31,533 --> 00:04:34,373 The extreme blood loss caused me to slip into a coma, 115 00:04:34,467 --> 00:04:37,527 which I can only describe as restful. 116 00:04:37,633 --> 00:04:39,803 Review footage allows me to appreciate 117 00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:42,700 that I received many visitors in my unconscious state, 118 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:44,170 including my producer, Grant, 119 00:04:44,267 --> 00:04:46,167 and my executive assistant, Lucille, 120 00:04:46,267 --> 00:04:49,327 who struggled to put their concern into words. 121 00:04:49,433 --> 00:04:50,803 What if we, like, put a pillow on his face 122 00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:52,200 and pretended we were smothering him? 123 00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:53,700 I mean, we would be smothering him, 124 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,070 but we'd take the pillow off, obviously. 125 00:04:55,133 --> 00:04:57,203 Would he fight for life? 126 00:04:57,300 --> 00:05:00,570 (Forrest) My intern, Josh, stopped by with his new girlfriend, Tina. 127 00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:04,067 They behaved regrettably during their visit. 128 00:05:04,133 --> 00:05:07,733 I was touched to see that even my estranged ex-wife stopped by, 129 00:05:07,833 --> 00:05:11,073 and despite the presence of this show's cameras, 130 00:05:11,167 --> 00:05:14,067 almost entered my room. 131 00:05:14,133 --> 00:05:16,733 But most frequently by my side were my father 132 00:05:16,833 --> 00:05:20,173 and my nurse, Marisa, who was holding my hand 133 00:05:20,267 --> 00:05:23,567 when I miraculously emerged from two months in a coma. 134 00:05:23,667 --> 00:05:26,797 Excuse me, I was next for that ATM. 135 00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:32,830 - Bicycle. - Very good. 136 00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:34,733 (Forrest) Marisa stayed by my side 137 00:05:34,833 --> 00:05:37,103 down the long road to recovery. 138 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,900 Conspiracy. 139 00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:42,067 Bridge. 140 00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:44,267 (Forrest) And I'm happy to say that we struck up 141 00:05:44,367 --> 00:05:45,397 a bit of a romance. 142 00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:46,730 (Marisa) That's good. 143 00:05:46,833 --> 00:05:48,273 (Forrest) Learning to walk again was 144 00:05:48,367 --> 00:05:50,827 one of the greatest challenges of my life, 145 00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:53,233 but Marisa's cheerful, nurturing presence 146 00:05:53,333 --> 00:05:55,073 gave me something to walk toward. 147 00:05:55,167 --> 00:05:56,867 There you are. 148 00:05:56,967 --> 00:05:59,327 (Forrest) Over time, we shared our fears and struggles, 149 00:05:59,433 --> 00:06:01,333 and I vowed to get strong enough 150 00:06:01,433 --> 00:06:04,073 to hold Marisa up as she now held me, 151 00:06:04,167 --> 00:06:06,897 or as she put it one day during therapy... 152 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:09,127 I heal you, 153 00:06:09,233 --> 00:06:10,833 you heal me. 154 00:06:10,933 --> 00:06:12,233 [both laugh] 155 00:06:12,333 --> 00:06:14,433 - Thank you. - I'm so proud of you. 156 00:06:14,533 --> 00:06:17,833 - God, Forrest, you almost died. - Yes. 157 00:06:17,933 --> 00:06:19,903 Are you starting to think that maybe you should have 158 00:06:20,067 --> 00:06:22,467 stayed in hiding and not come back to Review? 159 00:06:22,567 --> 00:06:23,797 Quite the opposite, A.J. 160 00:06:23,900 --> 00:06:25,670 A near-death experience has a way 161 00:06:25,767 --> 00:06:28,167 of focusing the mind on what's really important in life, 162 00:06:28,267 --> 00:06:30,597 and I feel more certain than ever before 163 00:06:30,700 --> 00:06:34,070 that what's important in my life is this work. 164 00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:35,467 Wow. 165 00:06:35,567 --> 00:06:36,767 And I certainly didn't think that my fists 166 00:06:36,867 --> 00:06:39,097 would lead me to a new girlfriend. 167 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:42,070 So allow me to weigh the good and the bad things 168 00:06:42,167 --> 00:06:43,567 that come from a bare-knuckle brawl 169 00:06:43,667 --> 00:06:47,427 and give it a very balanced 2 1/2 stars. 170 00:06:52,333 --> 00:06:55,833 [triumphant music] 171 00:06:55,933 --> 00:06:58,703 This next one is an email from Ahmed 172 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,200 in East Lansing, Michigan. 173 00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:03,270 - East Lansing? - Can you believe it? 174 00:07:03,367 --> 00:07:04,297 Yes. 175 00:07:10,833 --> 00:07:11,973 - Blackmail? - Blackmail. 176 00:07:12,067 --> 00:07:13,697 My goodness. Wow. 177 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,930 Okay, well, uh, 178 00:07:16,067 --> 00:07:20,127 it looks like I am about to enter the rather shady world 179 00:07:20,233 --> 00:07:22,903 of using people's secrets against them. 180 00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:24,727 Here I go. 181 00:07:24,833 --> 00:07:26,203 (Josh) And then I'd just be like, 182 00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:29,700 "Listen, you put $500 million in the garbage can, 183 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,600 "or Mr. MacNeil's gonna tell the whole world 184 00:07:31,700 --> 00:07:32,970 about you, you [bleep] pervert." 185 00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:34,927 - Yes. Okay. - Yeah. 186 00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:37,727 So what dirt do you have on Queen Elizabeth? 187 00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:40,973 I mean... 188 00:07:41,067 --> 00:07:43,197 I don't-- I don't really have anything. 189 00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:45,600 (Forrest) My staff and I scoured the Internet 190 00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:48,970 for damaging information about prominent public figures, 191 00:07:49,067 --> 00:07:50,527 but we came up empty. 192 00:07:50,633 --> 00:07:53,603 I realized I would need to capitalize on secrets 193 00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:55,800 I already possessed. 194 00:07:55,900 --> 00:07:58,870 Lucille, two weeks ago Friday, 195 00:07:58,967 --> 00:08:03,427 I saw you out canoodling with a man, 196 00:08:03,533 --> 00:08:04,933 not your boyfriend, Gordon. 197 00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:07,197 Really thin guy in a baggy pair of jeans? 198 00:08:07,300 --> 00:08:09,470 Yeah. That was him. 199 00:08:09,567 --> 00:08:10,827 It would really be a shame 200 00:08:10,933 --> 00:08:11,973 if Gordon were to find out about that. 201 00:08:12,067 --> 00:08:13,827 It was Gordon. 202 00:08:13,933 --> 00:08:16,303 He just had lap band surgery. 203 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,070 - Are you serious? - Yeah. 204 00:08:19,133 --> 00:08:21,073 Well, he looks great. 205 00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:26,100 (Forrest) That night, my darling Marisa 206 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,600 slept peacefully in my childhood bed, 207 00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:31,970 but my concern over this review made sleep impossible 208 00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:34,927 and a few extra painkillers necessary. 209 00:08:35,067 --> 00:08:36,827 It was then that I realized 210 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:40,073 I did know someone with a damaging secret. 211 00:08:40,133 --> 00:08:42,503 Marisa had a habit of helping herself 212 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,800 to her patients' leftover pills. 213 00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,870 No amount of painkillers could anesthetize me 214 00:08:47,967 --> 00:08:50,527 from what I would have to do next. 215 00:08:50,633 --> 00:08:53,203 My cousin Dede just got back from the Terranea Resort. 216 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,800 She said it's gorgeous. 217 00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:56,600 - We should go there sometime. - [sighs] 218 00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,870 She said that they do couples massages, 219 00:08:58,967 --> 00:09:00,767 but they come to your room, 220 00:09:00,867 --> 00:09:03,367 which means your room has to be big... 221 00:09:03,467 --> 00:09:05,897 - Yes. - To fit two... 222 00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,727 whole massage tables. 223 00:09:07,833 --> 00:09:09,603 Yes. 224 00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:13,670 Honey, I... What are you doing? 225 00:09:13,767 --> 00:09:15,367 This bottle of Percocet 226 00:09:15,467 --> 00:09:17,567 is made out to Edith Reinhardt. 227 00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:20,067 Uh, sweetheart... 228 00:09:20,133 --> 00:09:22,673 are you Edith Reinhardt? 229 00:09:22,767 --> 00:09:24,497 Am I--no. I'm--no. 230 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,200 No. Neither am I. 231 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,370 This bottle of generic OxyContin 232 00:09:29,467 --> 00:09:31,097 is made out to Acquanetta Hamilton. 233 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:34,330 Are you Acquanetta Hamilton? 234 00:09:34,433 --> 00:09:36,433 I'm--what are you doing? 235 00:09:36,533 --> 00:09:38,073 Neither am I. 236 00:09:38,133 --> 00:09:40,603 You and I aren't any of these people 237 00:09:40,700 --> 00:09:44,200 because you stole these pills. 238 00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:47,170 Okay. Those people are dead now. 239 00:09:47,267 --> 00:09:48,597 So they're just going to be thrown away, 240 00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:51,370 and it's wasteful. 241 00:09:51,467 --> 00:09:53,367 If you don't give me $500 a week 242 00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:54,767 for the next six months, 243 00:09:54,867 --> 00:10:00,027 I'm gonna show, uh, all these to your boss. 244 00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:02,173 [gentle piano music] 245 00:10:02,267 --> 00:10:04,427 Why would you do that? 246 00:10:04,533 --> 00:10:06,103 You're being blackmailed. 247 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,500 I'm be-- 248 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,230 Yeah. Okay. 249 00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:12,173 - I'm being blackmailed? - You're being blackmailed. 250 00:10:12,267 --> 00:10:13,497 Yeah. 251 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:16,200 You--you did something wrong, 252 00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:17,570 and you're going to have to pay-- 253 00:10:17,667 --> 00:10:19,327 No, I understand the concept of blackmail. 254 00:10:19,433 --> 00:10:21,603 - Okay. - What is wrong with you? 255 00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:24,370 * 256 00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:27,927 Thank you. 257 00:10:28,033 --> 00:10:30,773 Thank you very much. 258 00:10:30,867 --> 00:10:32,197 Do you need money? 259 00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:33,570 Are you in, like, trouble or something? 260 00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:36,067 I'm gonna write you a check, okay? 261 00:10:36,167 --> 00:10:38,097 - You are? - For $1,000, yes. 262 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:39,930 But can you please put the pills away? 263 00:10:40,033 --> 00:10:42,273 (Forrest) Marisa seemed to feel that writing this check 264 00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:43,727 would put an end to the matter, 265 00:10:43,833 --> 00:10:46,203 and her misunderstanding allowed us to move on 266 00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:47,530 for now. 267 00:10:47,633 --> 00:10:49,833 I counted this $1,000 as payment 268 00:10:49,933 --> 00:10:51,873 for the first and second weeks. 269 00:10:51,967 --> 00:10:53,597 With the storm cloud of extortion 270 00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:54,900 comfortably in the distance, 271 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,000 Marisa and I fell deeper 272 00:10:57,100 --> 00:10:59,070 and deeper in love. 273 00:10:59,167 --> 00:11:02,167 But when the third week came and Marisa didn't pay, 274 00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:04,097 I carefully chose a good time 275 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,830 to remind her of our arrangement. 276 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:10,973 Oh, by the way... [sighs] 277 00:11:11,067 --> 00:11:15,567 I do need that $500 by 10:00 tomorrow night, 278 00:11:15,667 --> 00:11:18,127 or I'm gonna just have to tell your boss 279 00:11:18,233 --> 00:11:20,173 about the stolen pills. 280 00:11:20,267 --> 00:11:21,827 Sorry, sorry, sorry. 281 00:11:21,933 --> 00:11:23,903 Why would you do that to me, you asshole? 282 00:11:24,067 --> 00:11:26,327 Okay, okay, well, maybe the real question 283 00:11:26,433 --> 00:11:29,173 is why would you steal narcotics, right? 284 00:11:29,267 --> 00:11:30,167 You took some of those pills, Forrest. 285 00:11:30,267 --> 00:11:31,427 Okay, okay. All right. 286 00:11:31,533 --> 00:11:32,573 You benefitted from those pills. 287 00:11:32,667 --> 00:11:34,167 Let's just drop it. 288 00:11:34,267 --> 00:11:36,397 $500 by 10:00 tomorrow and now let's just cuddle, okay? 289 00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:38,270 - No. - I call--I call inside spoon. 290 00:11:38,367 --> 00:11:41,897 You can't blackmail me and then try to be the inside spoon! 291 00:11:42,067 --> 00:11:44,427 (Forrest) Marisa was not spooning, 292 00:11:44,533 --> 00:11:46,303 inside or out. 293 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,500 Our relationship was in trouble, 294 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,530 and it was blackmail's fault. 295 00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:56,370 (Forrest) I did what I could to be there 296 00:11:56,467 --> 00:11:58,067 for Marisa, indeed, spending much of the blackmail money 297 00:11:58,100 --> 00:12:00,200 she paid me to buy a couples massage package 298 00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,870 at the Terranea Resort. 299 00:12:01,967 --> 00:12:05,127 But my numerous calls to invite her went unanswered. 300 00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:11,200 Hi. 301 00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:14,900 I hadn't heard from you, and I was just really worried. 302 00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,727 That's because you're blackmailing me, Forrest. 303 00:12:17,833 --> 00:12:20,073 You know that doesn't keep me from missing you, right? 304 00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:22,400 Forrest, this is the worst thing 305 00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:23,430 anyone has ever done to me. 306 00:12:23,533 --> 00:12:24,773 Do you get that? 307 00:12:24,867 --> 00:12:27,067 What happened to "I heal you, you heal me"? 308 00:12:27,167 --> 00:12:29,067 Nothing has happened to that. 309 00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:31,070 Just this--this is also happening to both-- 310 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:32,597 - Doesn't make any sense. - Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. 311 00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:35,230 - I got you--no. - I don't want them. 312 00:12:35,333 --> 00:12:38,203 Marisa, just tell me what I can do. 313 00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:41,930 You could stop blackmailing me, you [bleep] douchebag. 314 00:12:42,067 --> 00:12:44,727 Oh, come-- 315 00:12:44,833 --> 00:12:47,603 Marisa, sweetheart, 316 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:51,530 uh, I need this week's payment. 317 00:12:51,633 --> 00:12:54,373 Are you [bleep] kidding me? 318 00:12:54,467 --> 00:12:56,897 (Forrest) Our relationship was falling apart, 319 00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,667 and I was heartbroken. 320 00:12:58,767 --> 00:13:01,397 I'm leaving the flowers on your doorstep, okay? 321 00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:03,070 Those are yours. 322 00:13:03,167 --> 00:13:04,797 - [bleep] flowers. - Ow. 323 00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:07,330 (Forrest) But Marisa's choice to not pay me 324 00:13:07,433 --> 00:13:10,803 left me with no choice. 325 00:13:10,900 --> 00:13:12,830 Oh. 326 00:13:15,367 --> 00:13:17,827 Just wanted to stop by and just let you know 327 00:13:17,933 --> 00:13:20,133 what a wonderful nurse Marisa is. 328 00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:23,903 She's just a devoted, committed nurse. 329 00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:26,227 That's good. 330 00:13:26,333 --> 00:13:31,273 You know, I just also wanted to add... 331 00:13:31,367 --> 00:13:34,327 sometimes she would even, uh, swipe pills 332 00:13:34,433 --> 00:13:36,903 from other patients to give to me. 333 00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:39,897 Above and beyond the call of duty, 334 00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:41,167 and those are some of those pills. 335 00:13:41,267 --> 00:13:42,827 - Swipe pills? - Yeah, mm-hmm. 336 00:13:42,933 --> 00:13:44,803 Yeah, so just wanted to let you know 337 00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:46,730 that you've got a real superstar 338 00:13:46,833 --> 00:13:48,903 of a nurse on your hands. 339 00:13:49,067 --> 00:13:50,327 There's nothing bad about her. There's nothing bad. 340 00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:52,303 (Forrest) I hoped that by emphasizing 341 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,600 Marisa's assets rather than her felonies, 342 00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,330 I could secure the minimum punishment. 343 00:13:56,433 --> 00:13:59,233 Maybe the two would even cancel each other out. 344 00:13:59,333 --> 00:14:02,733 Sadly, that evening, I learned that was not the case. 345 00:14:02,833 --> 00:14:05,333 (Marisa) Forrest! 346 00:14:05,433 --> 00:14:06,833 - Is that Marisa? - Forrest! 347 00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:09,473 - That is Marisa. - Get over here! 348 00:14:09,567 --> 00:14:12,067 - Marisa, are you okay? - You told her! 349 00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:14,200 - I know. - You told my boss! 350 00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:16,070 I know, I know. I'm really sorry. 351 00:14:16,133 --> 00:14:18,373 - I'm really sorry. - I lost my job. 352 00:14:18,467 --> 00:14:20,167 - Oh, God. - I lost my job! 353 00:14:20,267 --> 00:14:22,227 I will never work as a nurse again! 354 00:14:22,333 --> 00:14:23,403 What am I going to do? 355 00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:24,670 I really did not want that to happen. 356 00:14:24,767 --> 00:14:26,067 Why did you force my hand like that? 357 00:14:26,167 --> 00:14:27,467 - I forced you? - I mean, I really had no-- 358 00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,067 You did. I mean, I asked you so many times. 359 00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:30,870 I could go to jail, you [bleep]head. 360 00:14:30,967 --> 00:14:32,327 Okay, listen, I hope you don't go to jail. 361 00:14:32,433 --> 00:14:33,503 I really do, but if you did, 362 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:34,830 I would visit you every single day. 363 00:14:34,933 --> 00:14:36,203 I don't [bleep] care if you visit me. 364 00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:37,470 I was in love with you. 365 00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:39,067 What do you mean you were in lo-- 366 00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:40,200 I'm still in love with you. Nothing's changed. 367 00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:42,170 I'm not in love with you anymore. 368 00:14:42,267 --> 00:14:44,127 You blackmailed me. 369 00:14:44,233 --> 00:14:46,403 Oh, wow. I know. 370 00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:47,870 And sometimes that's what blackmail is. 371 00:14:47,967 --> 00:14:49,227 - It hurts the people you love. - No. 372 00:14:49,333 --> 00:14:50,233 - And it's really bad. - No, no. 373 00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:51,703 It's really, really bad. 374 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,130 - You hurt me... - Whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 375 00:14:54,233 --> 00:14:55,533 - And I hurt you. - Oh, God! Whoa! 376 00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:57,233 [gunshot] - Oh, God! 377 00:14:57,333 --> 00:14:59,173 Oh! Oh, my God. 378 00:14:59,267 --> 00:15:01,797 - Da--oh, are you all right? - Yeah, she shot the ceiling. 379 00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:03,530 Oh, my God, she was gonna shoot me. 380 00:15:03,633 --> 00:15:05,533 (Forrest) Blackmail requires a callousness 381 00:15:05,633 --> 00:15:07,433 not suited to the average man. 382 00:15:07,533 --> 00:15:09,773 Put it down! You're pointing it at yourself! 383 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:11,797 (Forrest) It may have made me extra money, 384 00:15:11,900 --> 00:15:14,870 but it made my life immeasurably poorer. 385 00:15:14,967 --> 00:15:17,367 Eat a bag of [bleep]! I hate you. 386 00:15:17,467 --> 00:15:19,527 (Forrest) In trying to do this review justice, 387 00:15:19,633 --> 00:15:23,433 I somehow brought disaster to the life of someone I love. 388 00:15:23,533 --> 00:15:25,803 Ruined my life! 389 00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:29,070 I'm deeply saddened to lose my sweet Marisa. 390 00:15:31,967 --> 00:15:33,797 Blackmail is bad. 391 00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:35,270 1 1/2 stars. 392 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:36,497 Whew. 393 00:15:41,967 --> 00:15:45,867 [triumphant music] 394 00:15:45,967 --> 00:15:50,097 This review is tweeted to us by @JustinMFR. 395 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,130 - Aha. - He writes... 396 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,070 I guess, uh, I guess I'm off to seek glory. 397 00:15:58,100 --> 00:16:00,830 - In a hole. - Yes. 398 00:16:00,933 --> 00:16:03,673 Good. Okay. 399 00:16:03,767 --> 00:16:06,497 * 400 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,770 (Forrest) There are two types of holes in the world, 401 00:16:08,867 --> 00:16:11,727 those that promise glory and those that do not. 402 00:16:11,833 --> 00:16:17,073 * 403 00:16:17,167 --> 00:16:19,467 And though I'd never considered the question before, 404 00:16:19,567 --> 00:16:22,427 it was no simple task to distinguish one from the other. 405 00:16:22,533 --> 00:16:25,303 Excuse me, is this a glory hole? 406 00:16:29,067 --> 00:16:31,627 That's a family hole. 407 00:16:31,733 --> 00:16:39,673 * 408 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,830 Do you know if there's anything on the Internet 409 00:16:44,933 --> 00:16:48,303 about where to find anonymous sex? 410 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,800 I think pretty much the whole Internet is for that. 411 00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:53,300 That has not been my experience with the Internet, 412 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:56,170 but I'm looking for a glory hole, in particular. 413 00:16:56,267 --> 00:16:57,497 Oh, if you're looking for a glory hole, 414 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,800 you should just go to, like, a seedy gay bar. 415 00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:01,530 [chuckles] Okay. 416 00:17:01,633 --> 00:17:04,173 That is quite possibly the least helpful suggestion 417 00:17:04,267 --> 00:17:06,067 you could ever have made. [chuckles] 418 00:17:06,133 --> 00:17:09,473 I mean, why would a woman give anonymous oral sex at a gay bar? 419 00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:11,967 [chuckles] 420 00:17:12,067 --> 00:17:13,397 I'll look online. 421 00:17:15,667 --> 00:17:17,397 (Forrest) Josh and the Internet came through, 422 00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:21,700 locating a long list of active glory holes in my area. 423 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,870 There were a lot of lonely ladies 424 00:17:23,967 --> 00:17:26,567 and a lot of glory holes in this city. 425 00:17:26,667 --> 00:17:31,127 I headed to the one closest to my dad's house. 426 00:17:31,233 --> 00:17:33,633 Well, here it is. 427 00:17:33,733 --> 00:17:37,233 I must say, the idea of placing my member into this hole 428 00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:39,503 to be pleasured by some mystery woman 429 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,570 has me excited, yes, 430 00:17:41,667 --> 00:17:44,597 but also pretty nervous. 431 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:49,670 Here we go. [clears throat] 432 00:17:49,767 --> 00:17:51,697 [zipper unzips] 433 00:17:56,267 --> 00:17:57,827 [exhales] 434 00:18:08,967 --> 00:18:12,097 So far, uh... 435 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,130 nothing to report. 436 00:18:17,233 --> 00:18:21,603 * 437 00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:24,700 Oh, sorry. Just using the glory hole. 438 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,300 (Forrest) I had arrived a bit early, 439 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,130 but once the sun went down 440 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:31,303 and the park was officially closed, 441 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,400 the glory hole was officially open. 442 00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:42,067 The name was right. It was glorious. 443 00:18:42,167 --> 00:18:44,527 The woman behind that stall had a talent 444 00:18:44,633 --> 00:18:46,733 well beyond anything I had ever experienced... 445 00:18:46,833 --> 00:18:48,103 Oh, wow. Oh, wow. 446 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,770 (Forrest) Well beyond anything my ex-wife 447 00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:52,367 had demonstrated on any of my birthdays. 448 00:18:52,467 --> 00:18:53,697 Wow. 449 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,070 (Forrest) I returned the next night 450 00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:56,733 and the night after that, 451 00:18:56,833 --> 00:19:01,173 and on each occasion, the glory was equally glorious. 452 00:19:01,267 --> 00:19:03,127 There was etiquette to consider... 453 00:19:03,233 --> 00:19:04,673 Whoa, excuse me. 454 00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:06,767 - I'm next for the glory hole. - Hey, man. 455 00:19:06,867 --> 00:19:09,597 (Forrest) But in general, I found no downside to the glory hole. 456 00:19:09,700 --> 00:19:12,830 Myself and the other men enjoying this woman's talents 457 00:19:12,933 --> 00:19:16,373 were experiencing sexual intimacy at its best. 458 00:19:16,467 --> 00:19:18,527 I was completely satisfied 459 00:19:18,633 --> 00:19:21,303 without having to cater to my partner's pleasure. 460 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:25,200 I knew it would be a violation of the spirit of the glory hole 461 00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:27,330 to meet the generous woman on the other side 462 00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:28,703 of that partition, 463 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,600 but wasn't it equally unforgivable 464 00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:32,970 to let the chance to meet her pass? 465 00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:35,197 Yes, it was. 466 00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,070 Oh, I'm sorry. 467 00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:41,933 The woman who was just in here, did you see where she went? 468 00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:43,467 No. 469 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:49,330 (Forrest) I began spending all my spare time in the park 470 00:19:49,433 --> 00:19:51,773 searching for my mystery mouth. 471 00:19:51,867 --> 00:19:55,297 And then, it happened. 472 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:56,930 - Hey there. - Hi. 473 00:19:57,067 --> 00:19:58,967 I've been seeing you here a bunch lately. 474 00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:00,127 - [laughing] - It's funny. 475 00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:01,833 Yeah. I'm Forrest. 476 00:20:01,933 --> 00:20:03,133 - I'm Lynn. - Her name was Lynn. 477 00:20:03,233 --> 00:20:04,873 (Forrest) She was a PhD student 478 00:20:04,967 --> 00:20:07,497 and exactly the sort of sweet-natured person who, 479 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,370 it seemed to me, would selflessly pleasure strange men 480 00:20:10,467 --> 00:20:12,327 through the partition of a bathroom stall. 481 00:20:12,433 --> 00:20:15,033 Hey, I got a crazy question for you. 482 00:20:15,133 --> 00:20:17,933 Hmm? 483 00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:19,703 Are you the woman in the glory hole? 484 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:22,200 I have been putting my erect penis in that hole 485 00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:24,130 for the past week, and I just thought I recognized you. 486 00:20:24,233 --> 00:20:25,533 Wait, hang on. 487 00:20:25,633 --> 00:20:27,373 (Forrest) Was she the wrong woman, 488 00:20:27,467 --> 00:20:30,297 or was she indeed the maven of the stall? 489 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,630 I would never know. 490 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,633 In most relationships, there is a wall of some sort 491 00:20:36,733 --> 00:20:39,333 keeping two people from truly seeing each other. 492 00:20:39,433 --> 00:20:41,973 A glory hole makes that wall literal, 493 00:20:42,067 --> 00:20:43,667 but it doesn't make the experience 494 00:20:43,767 --> 00:20:45,767 any less meaningful. 495 00:20:45,867 --> 00:20:48,997 Glory holes, 4 1/2 stars. 496 00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:52,327 You never did find the woman 497 00:20:52,433 --> 00:20:54,173 behind that glory hole, did you, Forrest? 498 00:20:54,267 --> 00:20:56,627 Sadly, no, I did not. 499 00:20:56,733 --> 00:20:59,333 I have a feeling you never will. 500 00:20:59,433 --> 00:21:02,173 That's all the time we have for my first episode back. 501 00:21:02,267 --> 00:21:03,667 It feels great to be here. 502 00:21:03,767 --> 00:21:06,067 Please join us next time on Review. 503 00:21:13,167 --> 00:21:15,067 Did you eat lunch yet? 504 00:21:15,167 --> 00:21:17,397 - You like French dip? - Sure. 505 00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:18,670 - Okay. - You know a place? 506 00:21:18,767 --> 00:21:20,197 Yeah. 507 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,530 As you were.